


You'll always have me

by HogwartsToAlexandria



Series: Marie's Stony Shorts 2020 [8]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Asexual Character, Asexual Steve Rogers, Cuddling & Snuggling, Discussions of Asexuality in a Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Tony Stark, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:01:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24142489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HogwartsToAlexandria/pseuds/HogwartsToAlexandria
Summary: After a long day at work, Tony expects to find what he's grown used to these past few months - enjoying the quiet, fun, peaceful home they've made for themselves. But in the state Steve's in when he gets there, they've got a little way to go before they can do that.POTS Server Small Steve Appreciation Bingo Fill, O4: TransgenderTony Stark Bingo Fill, T5: Tall Tales - (card 3026)
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Marie's Stony Shorts 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1649605
Comments: 14
Kudos: 123
Collections: POTS (18+) Smol Steve Appreciation Bingo, Tony Stark Bingo 2020





	You'll always have me

**Author's Note:**

> My (first - hopefully not last) contribution to the Small Steve Appreciation Bingo of the POTS server! Thank you to Ven, Arcade and Blade for bringing this to us and making a great card out of the prompts that were submitted! 
> 
> Broken~Soulflower also prompted the following in the prompt channel: "Steve/Tony always feels guilty about being touch averse." And I thought I'd combine the two. 
> 
> I wanna make a quick note that I am not equating trans dysphoria with asexuality and vice-versa, nowhere in this fic am I saying that if Steve wasn't trans he wouldn't be ace, because I don't think he even thinks that way in this. It's correlated, not cause-consequential and I hope I made that clear but you'll be the judges of that :)
> 
> This fic was sensitivity-read by both Miniraven and Vicspeaks and betad by my dear Betheflame and I am so grateful to all 3 of you and your invaluable insight and advice. 💕
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy the read!

Tony's on the phone when he realizes something's wrong with Steve and all of a sudden there isn't much Pepper can tell him that he still listens to, much less react to. She doesn't catch on right away, but when he finally emerges from the haze of his immediate concern and hears her rattling her grocery list at him in a bored voice, he has to excuse himself from this call. 

"I'll… sorry Pep, I'll call you back ok?"

"Problem?"

"Hmm, yeah, Steve…"

"Is he okay?" Pepper asks, concern filling her own voice now. 

"Not sure, later, ok?"

"Yes, of course, I'll be here," she says, and Tony disconnects the call before throwing his phone on the couch without a second look. 

His eyes are trained on the sight of his boyfriend, sitting on the rug by the window with a blanket around him, staring straight ahead at the skyline. Tony does look around, tries to find clues as to why Steve isn't his cheery self right now when he normally is all busy painting or cooking or yelling at the TV by the time Tony makes it home. At least he's been that way ever since they started living together a few months back. 

Tony worries his bottom lip when his eyes don't find any trace to prove Steve's engaged in any of these aforementioned favorites today. 

He puts his keys in the bowl on the kitchen counter, his jacket on the back of the chair at the end of their dining table and finally rounds up the couch again to get to Steve. He kneels next to him, wincing at what it does to both his back and his knees when he descends and then again when he meets the floor. 

Steve's profile was always one of Tony's favorite things to stare at and lose himself in. Today he wants to squish his boyfriend into a hug until all Steve can do is laugh and push him away playfully. Today, his profile is streaked with tears and his bright blue eyes seem to have stopped leaking only recently, the rim of them red and swollen. The way Steve's hands fidget in his lap pulls Tony's eyes down, an empty mug of what must have been tea if the herbal scent that's still faintly present is to clue Tony in, and where his hands are generally pale and showing his wiry veins at times, they look reddened like Steve's been pulling on them too harshly, too long. 

So that's the first thing he takes care of. He takes the mug from Steve and sets it down somewhere behind him before taking both of Steve's hands in his. Steve's eyes stay focused straight ahead for a while longer, and Tony keeps quiet, giving him the space he needs to try and explain if he wants to, to keep thinking in silence if that's what he has to do. 

But then Steve looks at him, just barely tilting his head to the side to give Tony a difficult, sad smile. Tony squeezes his hands as he holds his gaze, dying to just pull Steve onto his lap and swallow his pains away. 

"What time is it?" Steve asks, his voice raspy with the remnants of sobs. 

"It's 6," Tony tells him, "You been here a long time?"

Steve nods, and then he squeezes his eyes shut and Tony sees another tear drop down his cheek. 

"Baby…" Tony tries. It's agony to watch the man he loves going through this and not know what  _ this _ actually is, not know whatever he can do to alleviate the hurt Steve's entire body projects. 

"Did you have good day?" Steve asks, and he's sobbing and chuckling a little frantically, way too self-deprecatingly for Tony's heart not to drop - _so that's_ _one of those days_. 

"Boring day, but fine, yes," Tony answers him, and then, not able to hold back any longer, he raises a hand to cup Steve's cheek, strokes his thumb over it to hopefully wipe away the tears. "Is it 'hating Steve hours' up here?" He asks in turn, his thumb tapping Steve's temple gently. 

Steve nods again, a short thing that makes his bangs fall back over his forehead. 

"Is it because of last night?" Tony realizes, his eyes widening as he thinks back on the way they'd fallen asleep, tangled together after he'd masturbated next to his boyfriend. "If it is I can stop, if it makes you feel this way I need to know baby, I thought--"

"It's not you, Tony," Steve interrupts him, "It's nothing you can do and nothing I want you to do, it's just… me…" 

"Tell me how I can help? Please?" Tony is ready to implore him if need be. 

He can't just sit there, and watch Steve crumble after an entire day of being in his head about something they're both a part of. 

When Steve looks like he's going to shake his head again, Tony puts both his hands over his cheeks, rearranging himself so they can be face to face and he's leaning on the window behind him. He searches Steve's eyes before he says his next words and hangs on to the yearning light he can see there. 

"You and I, together, in love,  _ that _ is all that matters to me, Steve, I can't have you guilt yourself to death every time I have…  _ urges _ . That's not, I don't do love that way baby, I've had plenty of experiences where sex was involved, and I'm infinitely happier with you, just the way we are." 

"But I love watching you. That's not the point, Tony," Steve tells him after a while, his voice weak and exhausted, tugging at all the strings of Tony's heart to make him wince and finally stop trying to stay anywhere other than around, under, over Steve. The hands he has on his boyfriend's face go down his neck, to his shoulders, to his front so he can tighten the blanket around him. He gives him a questioning look and his eyes mist over when Steve nods right away and Tony can pull him to rest sideways on his lap, his legs laid out one side and his head resting on Tony's shoulder. 

"I know you don't like being told things you've heard before, I know," Tony starts, gently brushing his hand down Steve's thigh where it peeks from the blanket, "but, I don't need you to touch me. I don't need you to want me that way to feel loved. I don't need shared sex to know you and I are ride or die, love." 

Steve's sobs tear at Tony's heart and he has to… has to bury his face in Steve's hair, has to tighten his arms around Steve, has to hum something soothing as he blinks back his own tears at seeing him this way, at thinking about what exactly goes on in his head knowing his history with past partners and how hard it was for Steve to open up to him in the first place. 

"I know but I just can't… Tony… I see what you need, what your body wants and I want to make mine do the same but it won't work. I just can't make myself want that way. I can't have you touch me  _ there _ when it's gonna throw me down that… fucking path. I don't want to go there, I don't want to even think about that…" 

Tony lets Steve talk, he knows he's said all he could about not needing or even wanting those things from him. He knows Steve's mind likes to be torturous and put him through cycles of doubts and self-hate and he knows nothing but time and actions will solve this. He knows, no matter how much his fingers itch to snap and make it all disappear, that everything he tries will be received by an appreciative Steve, but that at the end of the day, Tony's voice will never be loud enough to prevail over Steve's inner ones, both the one that whispers nasty things in his ear, and the one that fights against it. 

"I don't want you to stop giving yourself the pleasure you need because of me," Steve blinks teary eyes at him, his brow set in a deep frown of pain and anger, directed at himself, again. 

"It wouldn't…" Tony stops himself in a sigh, "What did we say when we got together, love? When I was drowning in my own bullshit?" 

"It wasn't bullshit! Edwin had just died, you--" 

"I know," Tony interrupts Steve's outrage with a small smile, "What did we say?" 

The silence that settles before Steve finds the strength to say the words is filled by the weight of their gazes lost in each other and the soft touches of Tony's hand still on Steve's knee, and Steve raising his own hand to play with Tony's goatee. 

"That we are what each other needs, and wants, just the way we are," Steve recites, his eyes clearing the tiniest bit at the memory, and Tony relaxes, "that everything else is just noise, and we make our own music of it."

"That's right." 

"I don't want you to stop," Steve says anyway, in a rushed tone of worry. "I really do like watching you." 

His hand is warmer than usual when Steve puts it in Tony's neck, and Tony lets himself be pulled down for a kiss. 

Steve's lips have been Tony's solace for two years now, and if he has any say in the matter, they will stay so for  _ always _ .

Tony mirrors the hold Steve has on his face to angle their faces in a way that's easier to kiss. Gentle, slow presses of their lips turn into Steve getting out of his blanket to straddle Tony and wind his arms around his shoulders. They're all tangled and panting kisses, making out for long minutes of cathartic closeness. It's only when they part for breath and stick their foreheads together that Tony realizes he's the one crying now. 

"I love you so much," he says when Steve jerks away to look at him wide-eyed. "I love you so fucking much you can't hurt yourself over this, baby, not when I'm perfectly happy with the way things are. And perfectly happy to make changes if you need or want them." 

Steve bites his lip. "I love you too," he says in the end, and Tony's okay with letting the rest stay unaddressed. 

"Transfer to the couch with a movie and more of your tea?' 

Steve smiles softly, "Yeah, that sounds cool." 

"I like cool, I'm cool, look at me suggesting cool stuff," Tony grins. 

"They're airing  _ Erin Brockovich _ again," Steve batts his lashes at him once he's up and helping Tony follow suit. 

"Sure, not like we haven't seen that one fifteen times already." 

"It doesn't get old," 

"Whatever you say, sir," Tony laughs. "Herbal again or berries?"

The way Steve looks at him as he wraps his blanket around him again, his eyes once again sparkly and his face regaining the normal colors of his peaceful self, it takes Tony's breath away. Makes him want to get down on one knee and asks a question he's never asked anyone before - a thought that comes around more and more often as they both get settled into what it means and how it feels to live together. 

"Herbal's good," Steve nods before sitting down and hooking his chin on the back cushions to keep looking at Tony as Tony gets started on more tea. "Thank you, Tony," he says. 

When Tony looks up from having set the boiler on, he knows these simple words have nothing to do with him making tea, and everything to do with the shit day Steve just had, and instead of filling him with sadness, Tony chooses to hang on to the same hope he can see painting his boyfriend's features. They're stronger together, stronger for each other, for what they bring to the table and how many more days like this one they have already overcome. 

"Always, baby."

They watch  _ Erin Brockovich _ , laughing at every line Julia Roberts sends an unsuspecting and judgemental asshole's way, talking in time with her and all the while, Steve's feet are in Tony's lap, and their hands are linked by Steve's knees while their other hands stay curled around their respective mugs. It looks a lot like happiness, with all the work it entails. It looks like something they'll keep figuring out one step at a time, as long as they get together. It looks like the love Tony's never known before Steve, and the acceptance Steve's battled to get, both for being ace, and even before he figured that part out, for being trans, Tony knows. 

Halfway through  _ Mona Lisa's Smile _ \- yay for Julia Roberts nights - Tony stops watching the TV and finds himself staring at Steve's profile once again. It's not a conscious decision, it never is, he just can't help being distracted by Steve's lively reactions to any movie or show they watch together, same as he can't seem to play any kind of game with him without his heart beating just slightly faster for the love of Steve's smile. 

He stays put until the end of the movie, until Steve looks at him with a cocked eyebrow and a small smirk, because he knows, of course he does. But then Tony gets up from his spot, only to sit right at Steve's hip and loop his arms around his waist as he leans down to kiss him again. He pressed the side of their faces together and squeezes Steve's body against him, a full-body sigh of relaxation leaving him when Steve does the same. 

"Do you think we could sleep like this?" Tony wonders out loud. 

"Not with my lungs no, and not with that," Steve tells him gently, two of his fingers ghosting over the center of his chest through his shirt. 

"Then we stay like this some more, yeah?" 

"Yeah," Steve whispers, and when he kisses the side of his neck, Tony closes his eyes and just takes it all in. 

He sincerely hopes he can be what Steve needs, now and always, and his decision is more taken than ever when they look into each other's eyes again. Tony can see them already, standing in front of their assembled friends, saying yes to each other, starting an official family of two, and maybe someday, enlarging it as well. 

He doesn't know what he's done to deserve such a prize as that of being loved by Steve, but part of Tony working on his own issues demands he doesn't question his happiness. So he tries not to, and just basks in Steve's warmth, and the smile the man presses against his neck just a little while longer before bedtime. 


End file.
